#this is definitely um. Influenced. by ocd.

[altschmerzes]

i need to stop shadowboxing the concept of romance when i write. i need to make my brain go to a world where romance doesn’t exist when i write because feeling its constant presence and people’s expectations of its presence and reading in of its presence is making me a worse writer.

like. thinking a lot about that post that’s going around rn about Books That Are Clearly Afraid Of The Reader. been thinking about how fear of being interpreted or perceived or whatever permeates a Lot of what i do and always has, creatively, and frankly compromises it, especially in terms of fear of people reading romance into my stuff because of how much i write about interpersonal relationships and intimacy and reliance and vulnerability and intense emotional situations.

i need to stop trying to build a boat with my main priority being ‘i dont want people to insist to me that this is a car or make people feel tricked into seeing a car etc etc’ when there is actually no part of this boat that needs to be made with cars in mind at all i could just Build The Damn Boat. this metaphor got lost.

point is i need to stop letting romance take up space in my stories at all. even if it's just as something i'm doing backflips over and around. i need to just start writing about platonic relationships - friendships, queerplatonic relationships, familial relationships, etc - without feeling like i need to first disprove romance as an automated and inherent assumption. romance should have no quarter here, even in feeling forced to deny it.

[the-prophesied-disco-gay]

What a beautiful wonderful post! Oh my gosh I'm so happy to have seen this!

I don't talk much about being a system because 1) I'm terrified of real world repercussions if this blog is ever linked back to my real name because the general population is NOT chill *at all* about plurals and 2) because I've dealt with this on my own as long as I can remember and I don't know all the terminology and politics of the community and don't want to accidentally step in it or hurt somebody

So I'm gonna go ahead and throw all that out the window and just be real with y'all on this here tag for a minute. Defenestrate your doubts babes <3

I usually use singular first person pronouns (I/me/my) for the most part, for safety. I don't want to slip in regular conversation and drop a "we" with the wrong person and create a safety issue for myself. However I will use we/us/our for clarity sometimes when specifically discussing this topic.

I have no idea what my system origin is! There is...um...lots of trauma in my background. Including things that go back to before my actual memory (nonconsensual operation to "normalize" my genital configuration as an intersex baby as well as continued supression of those traits and questions as I grew, as well as sexual abuse by a relative when I was very young). In addition to the stuff when I was little there are also several traumas that happened when I could remember them. However! I don't know when my system formed so I don't know if any of that was the cause or if there was a singular cause. I know I have never been able to intentionally create so much as an imaginary friend so probably traumagenic?

But much like snowglobe-system said, the existence of endogenic systems is extremely comforting to me. My headmates exist, that I am very sure of, so it doesn't really matter how they came to be! Love that for us tbh.

Also my mom is also a system! Definitely traumagenic and it didn't manifest until much later in life for her. But it makes me wonder if there is a hereditary element to this. Neither of us knew the other was a system until we had been years established, so it definitely wasn't something influenced by talking to each other about it.

I have no idea what my headmates names are, so I've given them names from characters in media that seemed to fit the closest. They're not those characters made manifest in my psyche, though from what I have read that can happen? Very cool. But for me it's more like that scene in The Last Samuri where the American dude is talking to the Japanese dude despite neither of them speaking each others language, and he goes "how about Bob, can I call you Bob?" because he can't actually ask for the guys name lol. I'm still learning how to directly communicate with my headmates on purpose, so I don't know what to call them other than names I've assigned 😅

There is an assortment of genders among us and at least one anthro in here. That took some serious getting used to because I, the one who fronts the most, used to hate furries and anthros in a very "I am legit afraid of them" sort of irrational way, which I think was me just desperately trying to be what I considered normal at the time.

I also have OCD, which shows up in every single headmate in the same way, very consistently. This is, ironically, very soothing to my OCD. It helps me keep a cohesive sense of self even when someone is fronting who isn't aware they are part of a system. We still know our routines and what we consider the "correct" way of doing things.

I get memory loss/gaps when someone else is fronting, but not when cofronting.

The easiest way to tell when I've switched (is that the right term?) is the change to my word choice and the way I speak. Apparently if you know me well, the shift in mannerisms and expressions is also a clear indicator.

So that's me! I consider the brain an incredible thing, capable of so many things we don't fully understand, and I think that's really cool! I think hating on other systems for how they came to be or how they function as systems is both arrogant to the extreme and morally wrong. I think there are many, many more plurals out there than we are aware of. I think greater acceptance and understanding will go a long way toward making the world a better place.

Thanks @snowglobe-system for starting this conversation!

Hello sysconversation! I'm a massive fan of this tag being coined, I think there's a lot of room for some really great discussion here, so I'm gonna try to kickstart a conversation myself!

I'm a traumagenic DID system. I experience a lot of denial. But you know what really really helps me? The existence of endo systems. No I'm not kidding.

Because I can say oh I must be faking this disorder. It must not be real. But I also believe that intentional systems are 100% real and that they exist, so... even if I don't have DID, I'm still creating my system right now. I'm real. My parts are real. No matter what disorders we do or don't have.

If you're traumagenic you ever been helped in some way by endo systems and/or their resources? If you're endogenic, have you ever been helped in some ways by traumagenic systems and/or their resources? We talk all the time about how we're different, I think it'd be great to have a chat about how we can be alike and how the intersection of our communities can help each other!

[fuckyeahgemmathompson]

Savages: Interview with Gemma Thompson & Ayse Hassan

Note: this interview was originally written in German and I used translator to post this into English. 

From Gitarrebass.de, February 2017

What originally sparked your interest in music?

Gemma: I remember hearing the John Peel session on the radio. As a teenager, Sonic Youth and Nirvana came along, along with musicians like Rowland S. Howard, Blixa Bargeld and Duke Garwood. But I find it boring to say the inspiration came from this or that genre, I can't just name one band that has influenced my life. I also like classical music, for example.

Ayse: For me there is no single triggering moment, it is more of a collection of moments. When I was very young I loved listening to radio broadcasts. My parents listened to very different types of music and I can't remember a time when I didn't listen to music.

When did you start playing yourself?

Ayse: There was a music department in the primary school and when I was six I started playing various instruments.

Gemma: Flute too?

Ayse: I once played the flute, which is usually the first instrument in England (both laugh)

How did you get into bass?

Ayse: I just wanted to make music. I played guitar for a while, but it wasn't really fun. Then I picked up the bass and liked the sounds I could make with it and got into a couple of punk bands.

Then you taught yourself the typical eighth punk bass?

Ayse: Yes, that's the most exciting way to learn. You have to find your own way of playing an instrument, you don't have to follow any rules.

And with you Gemma?

Gemma: I lived in a shared apartment with musicians. One was a pretty good guitarist and I borrowed his guitar and started making noise.

Your band is often compared to early 80s acts. Do you like the post-punk bands like Bauhaus or Joy Divison?

Gemma: Yeah, sure. We grew up listening to these bands, but it's so important to be relevant to the time you are in. The first album had a kind of gang mentality. We fought against people who were around us. It's something these old bands did too, resisting what the people or the music industry expected of you and trying to be yourself.

Many of the post-punk musicians hardly had traditional skills on their instruments and therefore tried to find new sounds and styles. Do you feel connected to this concept?

Ayse: Yeah, I think so!

Gemma: The first thing I wanted to learn on the guitar was Rowland S. Howard's line from The Birthday Party song 'Happy Birthday' and suddenly I understood that I can't play like that because I'm not him. There are sounds that you can only make when you are a certain person and that interested me a lot more than playing by tablature ... the idea of ​​becoming a personality who embodies a sound.

Do you still have role models?

Ayse: There are bassists like John Deacon from Queen or JJ Burnel from The Stranglers that I like, but I tend to find other things that inspire me to make music. The way people think, the power behind music, doing what you have to and doing it as well as you can with your abilities. I could die tomorrow and I just want to make music and be true to myself, that inspires me to be in the moment and make music now! (laughs)

Detailed Gemma’s guitar interview

What guitars do you play?

Gemma: A 1966 Duo Sonic and 1963 Jaguar with a 1972 neck.

Was Rowland S. Howard the inspiration for the Jaguar? It looks a lot like his model.

Gemma: Yeah, it does. I wrote everything on the Duo Sonic, it was always my main guitar, but to record 'Adore Life' I rented a Jag and recorded some songs with it, e.g. 'The Answer'. That's why I looked for and bought a Jaguar afterwards. Now I use both guitars for different parts.

You have mentioned Rowland S. Howard in many interviews. What do you like about his game?

Gemma: There's this great film about him called 'Autoluminiscent' and there is someone who says about him, I think Henry Rollins: “This man looks like his guitar sounds.” I really like this idea that everything embodies the sound important.

You have two amps on stage.

Gemma: Yes, a Fender Twin and a Vox AC 30 that I play in stereo because I use stereo reverb. I don't switch them and they tend to be more clean.

Is it OK if we talk about your pedals?

Gemma: Yes, of course (both laugh)

... because earlier I wasn't allowed to take photos of your pedalboard, the secret pedalboard.

Gemma:… it's not a secret, but it takes the fun out of people trying things out. I now have a lot of things that are specially made for me and it is constantly changing.

And what do you use?

Gemma: I use various distortion pedals: an MXR Distortion +, a Fulltone OCD, a Maxon Tube Screamer, a Crowther Audio Hotcake Fuzz with a Death By Audio Robot in front of it. In terms of delays, I have a Boss DD-20, a Moog Delay and a Boss RE-20 Space Echo.

Do the effects inspire you to create certain sounds or do you have sounds in your head?

Gemma: I try not to be inspired by the sound of pedals. For me, what you do with the instrument is very clear, the most important thing and the pedals only amplify it. The most interesting thing to me is feedback and how to create it at a certain point and the pedals help set the amp and guitar in motion. They are just tools, as beautiful as they are (laughs)

Do you play loud?

Gemma: Yeah, pretty much ...

In some songs you underline individual words with certain sounds. How do you make sure that it works on stage right now?

Gemma: I sit at home and practice! (laughs)

Your singer (Jehnny Beth) has often mentioned musicians like Nina Simone or John Coltrane in interviews. Do you like jazz?

Gemma: (laughs) These musicians are definitely musical gods!

But you don't practice jazz chords or lines?

Gemma: (laughs) No, it's not me. I try to focus on my own way. When we record, I tend to listen to Rachmaninov or something so that my head is clear of guitars so that I can work on guitars.

Detailed Ayse’s bass interview

Your bass playing is based on trance-like repeating patterns and melodic parts rather than traditional bass grooves. Would you agree with me?

Ayse: I don't disagree, but it's always difficult to look at and classify yourself.

Have you ever learned typical bass grooves in certain styles?

Ayse: There was a point where I started, but I quickly lost interest in it. I wanted to explore by ear what sounds good to me and not follow patterns. If I do something naturally, it is because I found out about it myself and not learned it, and I find that very exciting. I find it more inspiring to work things out myself than to read them.

Is sound more important to you than the bass line? Your parts always have a very sonic quality.

Ayse: When I was growing up, I rebelled against my parents' music and listened to a lot of industrial music. For a long time I wanted to reproduce what Industrial did with synthesizers, make strange sounds in different ways and transfer that to the bass. I saw the bass as a neutral instrument ... that doesn't really make sense (laughs). Sometimes I want to use the bass to create sounds that don't originally come from a bass. I wanted to use repetition but keep it interesting to sound like a machine and that's what I followed as we developed with the band.

Your main instruments are Fender Precision models. What do you like about them?

Ayse: They give me a great tone, sound warm and are simply beautiful instruments that fit my style. I have a 1976 P-Bass and one from the 90s Anniversary Series.

And your amp is the classic Ampeg with slight distortion?

Ayse Hassan: Um, yes (laughs). But on the new album I used pedals more often for distortion: I have a Moda Lisa Fuzz with an oscillator. It sounds like a saw sometimes, but it's a great pedal and it was exciting to find a way to integrate the sound into what we're doing. Then I have a Boss OBD-3 distortion and a RE-20 Space Echo. I switch between my clean main sound, where you can really hear the instrument through the amp, and the distortion / fuzz effect sound.

Do you always play with pick or also with fingers?

Ayse Hassan: I always play with Pick, except when I'm at home ...

... and you play jazz (everyone laughs)

-x

[pretty-volatile]

Sunday, January 10, 2021 4:19 am

I hate how often and how easy it is for me to change my mind to write or vent or journal. Sometimes its like I can think all the thoughts in my head but my hands or the process of typing is a barrier from my free flowing thoughts. I can’t keep up with how often it changes and how many typing errors I fucking make, which I kind of like typing on my phone because of the auto-spell or correct, I can just press the word I’m starting to type and I can just move on faster to keep up with my train of thought. I have so many head conversations either with myself, or with an imaginary therapist, or rehearse what I wish I could say to someone else about what’s going on or what happened or how I’m doing, but I never say anything because it’s too much and I feel like a bother. I can carry on and on and on about shit, but not a lot of people have time for that and sometimes I even tire myself out from all the thoughts and conversations I have in my head too. So it’s like if I’m this annoyed with myself, I can only imagine how others must feel trying to listen or read my rambles. So it just becomes screaming into the void either here or in my head and it’s really fucking lonely. But whatever I guess.

Um check in on like mental disorder(s)/symptom(s),,,,, OCD/intrusive thoughts/social anxiety/anxiety has been pretty yuck lately. Learned that the conversation flashbacks/loops that I get are intrusive thoughts which explain so much, I knew it must’ve been anxiety but now I know it’s my OCD with like a mix of social anxiety, so yay fml right? It makes me jolt. My head twitches. Feels like I’m getting punched/slapped in the face and like a fist around my heart/pressing into my chest/tightness in my chest. It’s usually accompanied by visuals of myself beating myself up. Like I’m the one doing it but also feeling it. It sucks. For bipolar stuffs,,,,,I have no fucking clue right now????? I have a horrible sleeping schedule as always. staying up too late, sleeping in too late, gets in the way of my everyday life. I can’t get enough of it, but it’s so hard to go to sleep and stay asleep and to feel well rested when I wake up!! Most essential if you don’t want me to wake up cranky or grumpy. I’m not suicidal so that’s good, but I am tired mentally and physically for sure. Work is just so fucking exhausting with holidays, good insiders/drivers leaving, training new hires, the fucking pandemic and being one of the few places that are open late and we were only pick up or delivery from the very beginning anyway so business for my boss has just taken off since last year. I really survive off of weed and cigs and my partner and the internet I guess. Should i maybe go on meds for adhd/ocd/bipolar? Yeah probably. Do I want to go back to the same people? I’m nervous. Do I want a brand new person to go to? Even MORE nervous. Like would I offend the other therapists/psychologists if I went to see someone new and had to request info from them? What if they don’t believe my diagnoses and I have to start from brick one? I’m still hurt that the both of them knew I was suicidal and didn’t check in on me when I wasn’t responding or scheduling new appointments. Unless they assumed I was going to go into a manic episode and figured I’d run off/disappear form them anyway?? I’m hoping it’s that and not that they didn’t actually care about me...but that’s also why I would be nervous to go back to the same psychologist. I definitely would want a new therapist if I ever went back just because I want to start new and give a more holistic view and now I know a little more what I need to work on. Kinda. Not really, but better than someone with no therapy experience at all at least. I mean I was seeing her for almost 3 years so...The psychiatrist I had only been seeing for almost a year, which makes me nervous to go back cause he probably just sees me as flaky. Can’t blame him if he did. So yeah I don’t know what kind of mood state I’m in, but I know I’m not in the extremes. Difficulty sleeping, sometimes irritable, executive dysfunction, intrusive thoughts, mentally/physically tired. meh. Like I’m not horrriiibbbllleeee but I’m not great either. I’m just getting by, which is about as much as I can ask for I guess. 

There’s one particular incident that happened with my step mom over me giving my lil sister info about LGBTQIA+ stuff and it got out of hand really fast. Looking back I can’t remember much what I said, but I realized I was very emotionally charged/intense/very sensitive and I kinda might’ve said some shit that hurt her feelings and she still hasn’t talked to me since. According to dad I just need to give her time to cool off, but this apology conversation for me feels like I’ll emotionally need a more in depth conversation because it sprung up a lot of triggers and I feel like I just need to talk to her and explain that while I know feelings aren’t facts and I did act out of hand, but they were caused by my certain perceptions be they skewed by my mental disorders or by not knowing the whole picture, I still felt hurt and here’s why I lashed out. Let’s address these things so I don’t do it again, hopefully. Some of it is related to blood vs not blood family, feeling like I was being inappropriate, that she shared with my lil sister that I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my past, it felt like she didn’t trust me or trust that I can be a good influence on my lil sister. It also felt like she was intimidated that my sister would come to me about that stuff rather than her. It felt like an attack on me, which made me last out. Which I’m sure she didn’t mean it, but I would like to think she’s someone I could hopefully address those things with and clear that stuff up. And to also show her why I was how I was in the past and how I’m different and have learned from those mistakes and why she should be able to trust me now. She’s been in my life since I was a small kiddo, but she hasn’t been a part of everything if that makes sense and because I feel like she didn’t have control over what was going on, she is kind of holding that over my head in the way that she reacts to me and kind of how she’s talking with my lil sister, so I want to nip that in the bud as soon as she’s ready to talk to me again and will let me re-explain and re-apologize (but about different stuff that is). 

Anygay I’m done typing for now. I’m tired, hungry, and wanna smoke so let’s just pretend this never happened. bye

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 73

I got there before Lynn and she apologize for being late again. I said no worries it's the morning. She got her stuff ready and then invited me in and said she had to use the bathroom because she's been having some issues. I couldn't help but laugh because I don't even know how to interpret that but when she came back in she said she was sorry and she has a bladder infection. I empathize and said I was sorry. She saw that I brought her book back in and she asked me if I finished it. I said no but I actually ordered myself a copy. She said that was good and she was going to order herself a second copy as well. She said she's looking forward to it and asked what I thought about it. I said that honestly there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of better treatments for OCD so they've got the research that shows it is an effective treatment but I think what's hard is that it almost is common sense with distracting but that's easier said than done. She said that it seems like such a brain-based thing that she has some clients were able to do the distraction part but some that are in and she's not sure what the differences. I said that for the people in the book they have actual support groups and I would bet that helps influence positive results because they can call their friends from the group when they are struggling and have that support. Lynn laughed and was like yeah we definitely don't have those kinds of support groups here and I was like yeah no definitely not. She said she wondered about things like Nuro feedback for it and said that her mom had actually done biofeedback and it hadn't helped but her mom had bipolar and she's not sure since that would be a totally different disorder, but she was like bio feedback has been around for years and years now so I would think if it was going to be really successful we would know more about it by now. I was like yeah I actually don't really know all the differences between biofeedback and Nuro feedback and brain spotting or mapping and she was like well doesn't brain spotting use similar techniques to EMD are with finding the trauma and the brain and using your eye movement and I was like honestly I don't know. She was like oh well OK I don't really know either so how are things in your world. I was like honestly I've had a rough week. I told her about how I had such a severe panic attack and had to leave the church group the other day and she was like you know what that tells me? And I was like yeah that I'm crazy and she was like um mo that wasn't really what I was going for try again and I laughed and was like OK you were probably looking for an answer more like it just tells us that there's obviously still stuff to be working on. She was like yeah exactly and she was like well what do you want to work on today. I was like well other than the panic attack there wasn't really anything big that happen this week but I have honestly had a hard time this week because I've thought a lot about our conversation in our last session. I was like honestly I have thought 1 million ways of how to say it but there's not really a good way to say it and I don't wanna come across as manipulative or making it sound like she worded anything poorly or anything like that but just that basically what was said was honestly really triggering and just put me in such a bad headspace and like I want to deal with my fear of abandonment and my anxiety but it's just really really overwhelms me and I get so anxious and like I know logically that I would be totally fine without therapy I was technically fine before I started and I'll be fine even if I stopped and i've lost weight because like I don't even have an appetite and think that she's tired of me or over it and Lynn was like well let me stop you because I think I already know where you're headed with this conversation and she was like you know this has come up before and the fear of abandonment is really real and I'm not going anywhere and if you wanted to come every week and continue paying me you are more than welcome to but we need to address the elephant in the room which is that fear of loss and abandonment and The attachment issues because realistically if it's coming up here, it's something that's going to come up your whole life where if you don't deal with that you will always have this fear that our relationship ending or distancing means they are tired of you. I was like honestly I think it's more so that I'm afraid that I don't matter if I'm not sick. Lynn had a look of a-ha and wrote down what I just said and was like well that's obviously a really big problem and she was like weren't we going to address your feelings around the eating is ordering those past memories today anyway and I was like yeah but more so with the guilt and feeling like it was my fault and she was like well seems like they would be connected don't you think and I was like yeah probably. I said they felt like two different negative believes but I could see where they would end up connecting. She asked me what memory do I think represents the first time I felt that way and so I started describing a memory in which my husband and actually saw how much weight I had lost when he first realized that I had anorexia and he ended up crying and holding me, and I feel guilty saying it but I was like honestly I just felt like I really mattered for the first time. I started to tear up and she was like what do you want to believe about yourself instead and I was like well I want to believe that I matter even if I'm not sick and she was like OK and wrote it down and was like this is new territory with this kind of negative belief and positively if I haven't had this one before and I was like I'm sorry and she was like no it's OK. She asked me to do a float back and I was like honestly Lynn I'm so bad at these and she was like it's OK and I tried to float back for something more general like I don't matter because she was like essentially the problem here is the feeling that you don't matter and I was like I don't know I'm in the next when I guess would be in 12th grade when I ran away from home and cut myself with broken beer bottles and she was like OK well I want you to try floating it back even more and I was like I'm sorry Lynn interoception really isn't my strong suit and she was like it's OK and I was like on us and getting nothing but if I had to think about like the earlier memories I think what's hard is that like I can remember being four and having a stomachache and feeling completely invalidated and written off because I told the teacher and told my mom and they didn't do anything and she was like OK so that was a failed attempt as was your eating disorder and I was like yeah and then I was like honestly my parents were really good about if I had strep throat and she was like wait what and I was like yeah if I had strep they actually did take care of me and she was like how so and I was like honestly my mom bought me the special sore throat lollipops and she made me my favorite soup and even didn't put the vegetables in because it was the Italian pasta Fina soup and she stayed home with me and she gave me Motrin and checked me for a fever and Lynn had this aha moment again and she was like so basically what you're saying is you mattered then when you were sick when it was something that your parents could acknowledge was an actual sickness. And I was like yeah because there was proof that I had strep because there was a test, but anything stomach related they completely overlooked and I explained how now that I think about it honestly there was one time when my strep test came back negative and I remember freaking out and the next day, which I was like have your kids had strep and she was like and I'll like OK so you know how they do their instant test and then they do The 24 hour test, and I remember going into my moms room and freaking out to see if the 24 hour want to come back positive and she said no and I was really upset about that because I was convinced that I had strep. Lynn was like how did your mom react when you didn't have it and I was like well at that point nothing happened other then like I had to go to school and that was that. She tried to get me to really figure out how old I would've been during all of these memories and I was like honestly it's really hard to pinpoint it because I got strep literally every single year and I went to the same pediatrician every time and I'm actually immune to amoxicillin or penicillin because I became bacteria resistant from taking it so many times and I said how I actually went to the hospital like twice for it because we would go to Florida every year and I would always get sick at the same time and it would be on Easter and all the doctors offices will be closed so we would have to go to the emergency room for it. It dawned on me as I was talking about all of this that like when I was sick with strep it was kind of the only time that I really did feel like I mattered to my mom, but that all the other failed attempts at getting attention from being sick were written off if it was anything else. Lynn tried really hard to get me to describe both the memory of when my mom did take care of me as well as when my strep test came back negative and I was like honestly it's just hard to get a real feeling because she kept saying go back to the body and I was like I mean I guess I just feel disconnected from it because when I think about the eating disorder memories those ones bother me so much. Lynn pointed out that my husband is a really good guy and he obviously is going to stay with me no matter what and while my failed attempt with my parents didn't work out, my husband kind of got caught in that same tug-of-war and it was never really about him or the battle for him to win. I was like I guess that made sense and she was like I think this goes back to some of that childhood stuff and maybe this is that Cora believe that we keep running into and getting stuck and maybe some of this when we deal with that it will clear some of those other issues more fully. I said that would be good and I really hoped that I could clear some of those and then I don't want these things to bother me forever. She said she wanted me to make a choice on what we would specifically work on next time with this, but I think she kind of got lost in her train of thought and forgot she had said that. I said the validity of the positive cognition of I matter even if I'm not sick honestly felt really false like a one because even when I think about like oh people like Dixie love me but I was like honestly people like Dixie love me because they know that I have in the past that I have and if she didn't know all of that about me would she even still care I don't know. It honestly feels like all my memories of being sick as a child kind of ran together and I really could not figure out what ages I might have been which I kept apologizing for her and she was like it's OK and I told her about how there was one time in seventh grade but I was really sick to my stomach and I stayed home for actually two weeks and my parents were completely unfazed by it and that's just how it always was with stomach related issues I guess because they felt like it wasn't a big deal. She said that we could definitely jump in and work on targeting this believe of I don't matter if I'm not sick because she really thinks that's a huge part of my issue. I was like honestly I completely agree and I knew for the longest time that that was kind of what was perpetuating my eating disorder so I wouldn't be surprised after everything that you've said and made me think about with being sick as a kid, where that would have come in from then. She said she thinks we need to target some of the earlier times but if I really am numb and can access those emotions or feelings, then we can go with the more recent eating disorder stuff. She pointed out that maybe there was a pre-verbal or pre-long-term memory time where I was sick and maybe that's why I really can't remember and maybe that's sort of my touch stone memory. I said yeah maybe. She said whatever the case we will start working on that next time, and for now she said to breathe and I was like yeah I will try to relax and she was like seriously please relax breve know that I'm not going anywhere. She was like it doesn't have to be that you even come to see me for clinical stuff once you get better, It can strictly be coming in for self growth. There are tons of issues like motivation and perfectionism and work life balance and all of these other things that the general population needs help working on sometimes and that doesn't have to be a serious clinical issue, but whatever the case if you want to come in and see me every single week we can do that. I was like thank you, really thank you, and she was like yeah, the goal is not that I am trying to kick you out or anything like that, I just don't want you to feel anxious about losing attachments and feeling like you don't matter forever. I want you to feel like you do matter no matter what, and then if you want to keep coming in by all means, I want you to come in. I was like OK good and she was like you don't need a diagnosis on file once I'm not with insurance and I was like wait what and she was like I'm coming off of insurance boards and I was like why? And she was like honestly I just got fed up with it and the whole availity website was just too much and I was like never mind I'm not doing Blue Cross anymore they are the first ones to go and she said that they send her something in the mail every so often that she has to actually go to the post office to mail and I was like oh that's never happened to me and she was like really? It's happened to everyone in our office and I was like yeah I don't know maybe it's just because I am new to Blue Cross anyway so they have a required it yet. She was like yeah that might be yet. She said she is just looking to do some more extensive training's and while she will continue to do some work with trauma, because as I know, she is all about EMD are and their protocol and treatment although she and I have gotten a bit off with kind of having to change it a bit, but that she really wants to be doing more trainings in things that would involve higher functioning people, and she was like like yourself. I was like so what would you want to be working with them, and she was like well honestly I would love to work more with using EMD are to help-ish people address what are the early traumas that have affected their performance now, so she was like I would love to work with a lot of performance people and theater people and business people and just helping them figure out what were the things that are hindering their performance now. I said that sounded cool, and she was like yeah people are already doing it so I don't see why I couldn't. She said she think she would just kind of grandfather people in to where they would continue paying whatever they would have been paying before or close to it and then come up with a new fee for all of her new out-of-pocket people. I laughed and jokingly said well she knows that whatever she changes the fee to it's not like she would be losing me as a client and she laughed and was like yeah I know. We scheduled the next session and I paid and headed out.